I wish I could teleport
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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