so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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