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Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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