it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
