matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just high enough for therapy.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
