Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
