So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
