so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Fuck appropriateness.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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