You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
