Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
