Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize