you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
