Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
