I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
