I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
