this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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