Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
