this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
