I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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