I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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