You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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