I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
