i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
