last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
