nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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