I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize