dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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