I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
