Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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