The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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