im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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