I accidentally had phone sex last night
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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