You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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