Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
