he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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