bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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