The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
