Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
