You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
