I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
