I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
