Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
