I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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