he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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