drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
