I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize