Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You need a sexual gate keeper
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
