i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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