We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
