Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
