we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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