we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
