I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
