We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
