This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize