i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
