I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
