Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
