I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
