im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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