I got chris browned last night
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
