3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
