I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
