very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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