Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
