Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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