can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
