i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
