I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
