my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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