i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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