Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
